A Man Afflicted with Hemorrhoids

This routine inquiry had been nothing more than a remarkable coincidence and misunderstanding; Chen Jue hadn’t violated any public order regulations.

His dart-throwing skills were already on file, and all the creatures he had dispatched with nails were pests like rats—a public service, in fact. Before leaving, Officer Liu made a point of reminding him to be careful the next time he dealt with rodents, to always be aware of his surroundings. After all, his flying nails were dangerously powerful; if he accidentally struck a person, it would spell real trouble.

“It seems being a city hunter isn’t as easy as it looks,” Chen Jue mused, chastened by the experience. “I’ll have to pay more attention to safety in the future.”

After bidding farewell to the officers, Chen Jue returned to his workstation with a calm expression. Casting a glance at Shen Shikun nearby, he noticed that the chubby man had been dozing off since before he left, and was still fast asleep. Whether it was an innate tendency or a sign of ill health, Chen Jue couldn’t say.

Yet, since even their team leader, Li Mo, didn’t seem to mind, Chen Jue decided not to disturb the man’s dreams. After all, abruptly waking someone from a nap can be quite dangerous—liable to cause psychological imbalance, dizziness, elevated blood pressure, even neurasthenia and a host of other health issues.

Settling into his seat, Chen Jue opened his computer. Idly squeezing a grip strengthener in one hand, he attempted a pelvic floor exercise he’d learned online. Last night’s dinner on Laxi Street had likely been less than sanitary and rather harsh on his stomach. Though he’d had a smooth, thorough trip to the restroom that morning, the resulting irritation had left his hemorrhoids slightly prolapsed. Sitting now brought an uncomfortable pressure, so Chen Jue tried raising his hips, spreading his legs, and perching lightly at his desk, hoping that targeted exercise might alleviate this troublesome little ailment.

He hadn’t expected that this half-squatting posture would be so difficult to maintain. His center of gravity kept shifting backward, forcing him to adjust constantly, his toes gripping the soles of his shoes for stability.

After about a minute of this, his legs and lower back were tingling with fatigue, when suddenly two new prompts flashed across his panel!

——————

[Ding~]
[You’ve completed a comprehensive exercise that meets the requirements. Your leg and lower back muscle groups have been effectively trained, and your sense of balance has slightly improved.]
[Skill Activated: Horse Stance]

——————

[Ding~]
[You’ve completed a successful aerobic exercise. The external anal sphincter, levator ani, longitudinal rectal muscles, and gluteus maximus have been exercised; blood circulation in the area has increased, and your control over these muscles has slightly improved.]
[Skill Activated: Pelvic Constriction]

——————

“Both skills at once?” Chen Jue stared, then quickly opened his browser to look things up.

What the ancients called ‘pelvic constriction’ was a refined term for pelvic floor exercises. The anus, once known as the ‘grain passage,’ was so named because all who ate grains must expel waste through it. In traditional Chinese medicine, the anus is also called the ‘soul gate,’ an allusion to its responsibility for expelling digested refuse.

The Yellow Emperor’s Inner Classic records: “The soul gate is also the servant of the five organs; water and grain must not be stored for long.” Chen Jue interpreted this as meaning that the anus serves as the porter for the five organs—water and food, once digested in the stomach and intestines, must not be retained too long, lest constipation, hemorrhoids, and other ailments arise.

As for Horse Stance, it’s a fundamental exercise in many Chinese martial arts, also called ‘stake stance’ or ‘mounting the horse.’ Its half-squatting posture resembles that of someone riding a horse, hence the name.

A well-practiced Horse Stance is said to strengthen the kidneys and back, fortify the tendons, replenish vital energy, and supposedly cultivate inner strength. Whether it’s truly as miraculous as the internet claims, Chen Jue couldn’t be sure. He did discover, however, that the stance includes pelvic floor contractions as a complementary movement, which likely explained why both new skills had been unlocked together.

“It’s best to practice pelvic constriction twice daily, for about ten minutes each session,” he noted. “As for Horse Stance, beginners are advised to start with five to ten minutes per session, not exceeding thirty minutes to avoid muscle and joint strain.”

After researching, Chen Jue made a note of these practice guidelines and times. He found himself growing more enthusiastic about slacking off at work—besides squeezing the grip strengthener, he’d now learned two new exercise routines. The best part was that both could be activated and recorded by his panel; with steady training, he was sure to rack up attributes.

Sure enough, a productive morning of discreet practice saw his [Horse Stance] net him 0.01 strength and 0.01 constitution. Even more surprising, after ten minutes of [Pelvic Constriction], his mental attribute ticked up by a small increment.

Chen Jue surmised that this was because controlling the anus—the soul gate—relies heavily on willpower. Contracting and relaxing those muscles requires intense focus; after a while, it’s no easier than climbing stairs or throwing darts, and thus serves to hone one’s mental fortitude.

...

“Brother Jue, you must be a fellow sufferer of the piles, right?” At lunchtime, Shen Shikun joined Chen Jue for a meal again. “I saw you half-squatting and twisting around this morning—must have been pretty uncomfortable!”

Seeing the chubby man open up Taobao with a mysterious air and recommend a cushion advertised as ‘Fear No Piles,’ Chen Jue guessed that they shared the same affliction. It was a common fate for office workers who indulged in spicy or greasy food.

“Thanks, I’ll get one later,” Chen Jue replied, not bothering to explain that he’d actually been practicing exercises to relieve the issue. After a morning of practice, he genuinely felt more comfortable than before. He guessed that training [Pelvic Constriction] alongside [Horse Stance] might be just as effective as basking in the sun while doing eye exercises. If he kept at it, a decade-old case of hemorrhoids might finally improve. As for a complete cure, Chen Jue wasn’t too optimistic; he’d settle for relief and keep at it. After all, he was getting paid to exercise—why not enjoy it?

But when he saw Shen Shikun order a generous serving of braised pork belly and fried chicken for lunch, Chen Jue couldn’t help but advise, “Shikun, are you sure you can handle eating like this? Aren’t you worried about high blood pressure, sugar, and fat? You’ve been sleepy all morning.”

“Worried? Of course I’m worried!” Shen Shikun laughed. “But I’ve had all three for ages. Can’t control my cravings—love greasy food. I was sleepy because I was up late gaming. Didn’t go to bed till after 2 a.m.”

From the look on his face, it was clear he knew his own condition well.

...

Everyone has their quirks and habits. It’s as hard for a fried food lover to change his diet as it is for a chain smoker to quit. Chen Jue’s concern was merely polite; he had no intention of interfering in others’ lifestyles. After all, he’d only just started exercising and improving his own health. Until he succeeded himself, it was best not to preach to others.

He’d come to this new job mainly to earn a living, get through a transition, and train his body a bit. It was rare to find a coworker who shared his philosophy of slacking off—a lunch companion, nothing more, with no need to meddle in each other’s affairs.

...

After lunch came the midday break. Chen Jue took the opportunity to check his ‘Ace Skills’ account. To his surprise, the two videos he’d posted days ago had both surpassed five-digit view counts. The likes, comments, and bullet chats had all increased as well.

The [Ace Skill: Darts] video, in particular, had ignited lively debate among dart and martial arts enthusiasts.

“Holy crap!”
“Awesome, master!”
“Terrifying skills!”
“No way he’s that accurate—must be reversed footage, the dart flew from the tree! (dog emoji)”
“At ten paces, it’s about speed; within ten paces, both speed and accuracy. Isn’t this like twenty paces? (subway old man looking at phone)”
“Amazing (thumbs up). Does this kind of dart throwing dry out your eyes?”
“Hey, the uploader’s showing off dart skills and you’re asking if his eyes get dry (WTF). He’ll nail you through the screen if you’re not careful!”
“Must be over 1.8 joules by now (dog emoji)”
“@Central Plains Swift Sword, how about you two battle it out and see who’s better? (side-eye)”

The comment section was full of jokesters, and some were egging Chen Jue on to challenge another online dart celebrity.

Chen Jue knew this ‘Central Plains Swift Sword’—he’d followed him before. The man was a master with darts, able to throw anything—wrenches, chopsticks, nails—with pinpoint accuracy. Chen Jue had often watched his videos to improve his own skills, and now, by chance, they’d crossed paths online. It was a strange and wonderful coincidence.

What’s more, ‘Central Plains Swift Sword’ himself appeared in the comments, writing: “Impressive (thumbs up). If you’re ever in the Central Plains, let’s exchange tips.”

The two dart masters trading words immediately stirred the comment section into a frenzy of speculation and excitement. Likes, comments, and view counts all surged upward.

Chen Jue estimated that, at this rate, his video would soon surpass 100,000 views, and his follower count was about to cross the ten-thousand mark.

“At last, I’m not being mocked like last time when I skimmed stones,” he thought in satisfaction. “It really does take a master’s skill to stand out.”

After reviewing his stats, Chen Jue felt that his sideline in video-making was finally gaining traction. He was about to close the app and take a nap when a business partnership message popped up in his inbox.

“Hey Ace Skills, you’ve got the makings of a viral star! Interested in collaborating to promote our products?”