Slept with her at twenty-three.

When I escaped, I was planning to call Jin Yulian. I wanted to end things with her. If not for thinking of her, I wouldn't have returned to this county after being released from prison.

I hid on the outskirts of town and called her. When Jin Yulian answered, she was stunned for a moment, then exclaimed in alarm, "Are you crazy? Why did you smash the bathtub? Don't you know that's deliberate property damage? You could go to jail for this!"

Clearly, she'd already heard about the bathtub incident.

I blurted out, "You promised you would marry me. You are my woman. You should marry me!"

Jin Yulian replied, "Enough nonsense. Where are you? Do you realize Qian Duobao and the others have already reported you to the police? They’re opening an investigation. If the evidence is solid, you’ll be wanted! Property damage is a crime, and if they have proof, you’ll end up back inside. It’ll ruin your life!"

With a touch of sarcasm, I asked, "Do you want me to go back to prison, or not?"

She snapped, "Of course I don't want you to go back! I've already hurt you once—I don’t want to do it again."

My heart trembled. "Be honest with me. Did you ever like me at all?"

She grew agitated, "Is this really the time for that? Why are you asking me this now?"

I said, "It's important to me. If you never liked me, why did you promise to marry me?"

After a long pause, Jin Yulian finally said, "I told you already, I only said that to trick you into serving time for my brother. Don't flatter yourself."

"Fine!" I said. "If you want me to go back to prison, I have nothing more to say. If you don't want that, then meet me tonight."

She hesitated on the phone. "Where?"

"Tonight, on Tongshan at the western edge of town. There’s a pavilion there. I’ll wait for you. If you’re not there by ten, I’ll leave."

Tongshan, west of town, wasn't a tall mountain. A stone path wound to the top, where there was a pavilion and a dilapidated old temple. Some locals hiked there for exercise, but at night, it was deserted. That was why I chose it for our meeting.

Jin Yulian agreed, "All right. If I can make it, I’ll come. Do you need anything? I can bring it for you." She clearly thought I was preparing to run and wanted to bring supplies.

"I don’t need anything except you," I replied.

She said nothing more and hung up.

It was only evening, still a long time before our meeting. I hid in a corner of the mountain and gnawed on instant noodles for sustenance. I’d left in such a hurry, I only had a backpack with some noodles and bottled water from a convenience store.

Waiting is always the hardest part. Night gradually fell. From Tongshan, I looked down at the county—already ablaze with lights.

The county had developed rapidly in recent years, with new high-rises and cars crowding the streets. It all seemed utterly unrelated to me. I felt like a complete failure.

They say people are as humble as ants, their lives as worthless as grass. I felt even less than that. If I went back to prison and ran into my old cellmate Liu Dongwen, he would surely mock me for being so pathetic.

Liu Dongwen called himself the "Lover Liu," with the looks of a pretty boy like Pan An. He’d duped countless women, swindled untold sums, so many he’d lost count. When his crimes were exposed, he got three years.

In prison, he often boasted of his exploits, which eventually drew the jealousy of other inmates, who banded together to beat him up for satisfaction.

I thought, I’m even more useless than Wu Dalang. At least Wu Dalang, a crippled biscuit seller, managed to marry the beautiful Pan Jinlian.

I hated myself for being so weak and cowardly. That night, Jin Yulian had clearly agreed, but I hadn’t dared. Now, for smashing her fiancé’s bathtub, I was a stray dog, running and hiding.

Maybe it was my own insignificance, but suddenly, I was filled with a vengeful urge toward Jin Yulian. She had promised to marry me, yet now she wanted to marry another.

I couldn't keep on living like this. If Qian Duobao wanted to send me back to prison, then I would—before that—take his fiancée, no matter the consequences. Tonight, I'd risk everything and seize the chance I’d once let slip.

Because I no longer held any hope for the future.